It was around 5:30 pm. I was sitting in the play area, watching my son playing in the sand with other kids. There came a mom neatly dressed, with her laptop bag and a helmet. She was full of energy and zeal. She had come to pick up her daughter who was in the play area with her grandmother. She was a subtle reminder of who I was before motherhood. It suddenly occurred to me that I have lost myself. I wondered if i will ever be more than a “mother” ever again. I have lost myself in motherhood- a demanding world of diaper changes, feeding, sleepless nights, laundry, etc. I have almost lost sight of the person who I was. I lost my passion, hobbies and even my friends. There is no fear worse than the fear of losing our own identity. If I lose my identity, I will lose my confidence and will become an unhappy person and an unhappy parent, in turn, an unhappy family.
It occurred to me, that it was high time I did something about it. I decided that I have to preserve my personal identity, yet give myself to the task of motherhood, full time.
”Retrospect is always genius, but, it is the foresight that really counts”. In the exercise of retrospect across the years, I found that doing these would help finding ‘me’ again - Read, lose mommy weight, cook and a new startup.It was time i bid farewell to the ‘crazy and angry-ridden’ stranger I have become after motherhood.
I decided to strike a conversation with my husband about this. I discussed with him about who I want to be and what I want to do. As always he was very supportive. Together, after a long deliberation, we made our huge decision. It was to admit our son in a daycare for 3 hours a day.
Second- to overcome my mental barrier of sleep deprivation. Sometimes, even 8 hours of sleep a day was not sufficient. Anytime, anywhere, as long as I get some space, I sleep. I have become more of a ‘sleep addict’. It took time for me to realize that my sleep deprivation is more my mental need than physical. It took a lot to overcome this state of mind. Until I made it a habit to rise early, I had a lot of gloomy and irritated days. Long story short - it was just tough and hardest part of my journey. In the end, it was truly rewarding.
My husband often quotes “Anything that does not kill you makes you stronger.” I feel stronger and more confident. I am getting back to the old me.
My typical day looks like this.
6:30 am to 9:30am: Wake up. Prepare breakfast and lunch. Pack my son’s snack box. Send him off to playgroup.
9:30 am to 11:00 am: Write blogs, read blogs and work on some of my project. Thus, Lovelearnraise was born.
11:00 am to 12:00 pm: Hit the gym.
12:00 pm to 1:30 pm: Pick my son from daycare,bath him, feed him, story time followed by nap time (lasts between 1.5 hours to 2 depending on how lucky I am on that day).
1:30 pm to 3:30 pm: Have my lunch, do some online grocery shopping, read newspaper, books and take a small nap(Of course, I need to recharge my batteries).
3:30 pm to 7:00 pm: Bring out all the toys, make a mess and play together. And, take my son outdoor for an hour.
7:00 pm: to 9:30 pm My husband is back from his office and takes charge of our little one, helps in tidying up (with the toys, diaper, towels that are strewn over the floor) while I prepare our dinner. Once the dinner is done we three spend some time together. Story time followed by sleep.
9:30 pm to 10:00 pm: We chat about our day. His day at office and my day with our son and LoveLearnRaise, our fights, misunderstandings, etc are dealt at this time.
10:00 pm to 11:00 pm: My husband get back to his work, onsite calls and stuff while I delve into some lone time, read and finally bed.
My next day starts over bright and early!
“Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly” - a line from “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic. Happy parenting!